ARAN PRESS PLAYS BY FRANCIS HOFFMANN
REMEMBER YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS, MOTHER!
or PATIENCE PAYS BIG DIVIDENDS
by Francis Hoffmann
Cast: 4 men and 2 women. Old-fashioned, boo-and-hiss melodrama in one act. Set: a cold and shabby room expressive of extreme poverty. 1944. World War II is raging. Hard times for Marjorie Fairbrow Pitkin, whose soldier-husband is overseas and three years missing. Impoverished, Marjorie takes in washing to support herself and her young son, Little Elfie. Marjorie's woe's are almost too much to bear, intensified by Gideon Fairbrow, her drunken father, by Mrs. Slovenleigh, her greedy landlady, and by Paul Pewtridd, her mailman, who is both larcenous and eager to share her bed. Unbeknownst to her, Marjorie is the addresse for a registered letter from Bumble, Fumble & Stumble, a law firm, advising her that she is heir to a cool million dollars - a letter as yet undelivered by Pewtridd. While Marjorie is absent for business reasons, Pewtridd and Mrs. Slovenleigh steam open aforementioned letter and immediately plot to get their hot little hands on subject cool million. Later, with her spirits at their lowest ebb, Marjorie breaks down and consents to marry the dastardly Pewtridd. He is about to claim her hand (and body and fortune), when, lo and behold, in races the long-missing Marlborough! Book $4.00. Royalty - $15 - $10.
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THE FRONT PORCH
by Francis Hoffmann
Cast: 4 men and 4 women. Two acts. Comedy. Set: a front porch.
Two elderly ladies, Ellen Perlmutter, and Josephina Bacicalupo, get together nightly on Ellen's front porch for coffee and a chat on whatever. Various neighbors stop by and join in and tell their stories. Harley Dockery, a retired bachelor; Arthur Flett, a retired family man; Mildred Grackle, an old maid; Honeysuckle Santiago, a pregnant teenager, and others. Update an old Fred Allen radio show and you have almost the flavor of FRONT PORCH. There are serious moments, however, in FRONT PORCH. For the most part, though, FRONT PORCH is a comedy of characters-Josephina: "Hey, Mildred, did you get a good look at Mr. Dockery? Not a bad looking old coot, is he? If I were you, I'd bait my trap from him. He's a bachelor, and fair prey" Mildred: [dubiously] He looked to be very fragile and weak." Josephina: "He's recovering from a double bout with a saber-swinging surgeon. However, he's getting stronger everyday. And while he's got snow on his roof, there's plenty of fire in his furnace below." Book $5.00. Royalty - $30 - $20.
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I ONCE HAD THREE LOVERS
by Francis Hoffmann
Cast: 5 men and 2 women. One act. Comedy. Set: A hatcheck stand.
Chastity Darlington, 22, is a working mother striving to raise her "identical twins." Her husband, Denny Darlington, is of no aid, as he is serving a 99-year term in the state penitentiary on an unjust drug conviction. After much searching, Chastity finds work as a hatcheck girl at the Velvet Vulture nightclub. Unfortunately, the nightclub's owner - overbearing, overweight, oversexed Carlo Cesspooli - is after her. Eventually, Carlo forces Chastity to promise to meet him in his lush penthouse, winning her over with his devious and slimy charm. Also, to add to her woes, Chastity is being hotly pursued by Hobart Slooth, a crooked detective, who, too, is overbearing, overweight and oversexed. Chastity, almost unglued, is hard put to decide which of her lovers(?) she should choose: Denny, Carlo or Hobart. To add to her confusion, Denny breaks out of prison! Book $4.00. Royalty - $20 - $10.
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IN 25 WORDS OR LESS
by Francis Hoffmann
Cast: 2 men and 5 women. Two act comedy. Set: a back porch.
Larry Colfax is a 30ish writer and professional contest and sweepstaker entrant, engaged to sweet and lovely Lark Bunting. Myrtle Colfax, Larry's divorced mother, has always wanted a "slew of grandchildren." Myrtle and Opal Muckeldorf, Larry's eccentric 88-year-old aunt, are constantly urging Larry to marry. Larry would like nothing better. The only obstacle standing between Larry and Lark is: $$$ and Lark has caught Larry with his pants down with Blush McGonigle. Blush McGonigle is a nubile and oo-la-la female who has the hots for Larry and just won't leave him alone. Book $5.00. Royalty - $35 - $25.
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LOVE A LA CARTE
by Francis Hoffmann
Cast: 6 men and 3 women. One act. Comedy. Set: a dining room.
Charmaine Sloakum is a naive, ill-starred, 18-year-old orphan striving to support herself and her troubled, burdensome younger brother, aptly named Doolittle. She is also trying to help Feckless Beaugart, her fiance, to snare a long-elusive college degree. By both curse and blessing hers is "a shape that makes men gape and contemplate rape." To survive, she accepts the best job available: a pearl diver's (dishwasher's) position in a posh restaurant owned by a kinky lecher, Jean-Pierre Valdez, and supervised by his spiteful, spoiled rotten daughter Flawna. Not only is she lusted after by almost every man who enters the restaurant, she is particularly beset by Valdez's evil designs and Flawna's malicious jealousy. This bittersweet, grease-splattered comedy serves up both laughs and tears in equal quantities, but, alas, provides no dessert... Book $4.00. Royalty - $20 - $10.
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OOPS, I NEVER MEANT TO KILL YOU!
by Francis Hoffmann
Cast: 6 women, 3 men. Two acts. Comedy. Set: office.
OOPS is a light-hearted comedy for all who have ever been afraid of losing their jobs-which just might include about everyone who has ever held a job. AwayOutWest is an automobile finance company about to go belly-up. The manager of AwayOutWest-(manager only by virtue of being married to the founder's daughter)- is too nice a guy to lay off employees. But everyone knows demise is almost inevitable. Hoffmann creates well-defined characters and an all too believable situation and layers it over with a confection of his own unique brand of humor. Book $4.00. Royalty $30-$20.
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STANLEY WON'T BE HOME TONIGHT
by Francis Hoffmann
Cast: 5 men and 2 women. One act. Comedy. Set: office.
Curtain rises, and Stanley Feemish enters darkened stage, glowing flashlight in hand. Suddenly a shot rings out and Stanley falls to the floor, thoroughly dead. Soon, hung-over, down-on-his-luck private eye Mike Mallet arrives. Then Tiffanny Scawggins, his secretary, arrives for work and, to allay her squeamishness, Mallet stashes Stanley behind a sofa, where he is out of sight for the rest of the play but very much in the scheme of things! In rapid succession, Queenie Boomboom, an ecdysiast, Lester Lakkluster, Tiffany's "Hahvahd"-educated fiance, Thaddeus Yuccatash, an overbearing Texas multimillionaire, and Vincent T. Flaker, a flaming-eyed crusader, all move in and out of Mallet's office, turning it into a maelstrom of comedy, confusion and mystery. Book $3.00. Royalty - $20 - $10.
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WHO'S THAT KNOCKING AT MY DOOR?
by Francis Hoffmann
Cast: 3 men and 5 women. One act. Comedy. Set: A disorderly room.
Joe Futch (aka Calhoun Maroon) is a moderately successful novelist, currently suffering a siege of writer's block. Knock knock! Enter Mrs. Elvira Robust, Joe's widowed and sex-starved landlady, offering to accept sex as payment for his past-due rent. Joe fends her off, and off she goes, offended. Knock knock! Enter Dolly Loblolly, answering Joe's ad for a secretary. Her qualifications are excellent - and so is her bod! - and Joe hires her, PDQ! Many more Knock knocks! ensue with absorbing reappearances by Mrs. Robust and Dolly and appearances by Dr. Boohoople, Joe's insecure dentist friend; Joe's agent, who informs him of the sale of his latest book to a Hollywood studio, and many others. Book $4.00. Royalty - $20 - $10.
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DEAR OLD GOLDEN RULE DAYS
by Francis Hoffmann
Cast: 8 men and 6 women. Comedy. Two acts. Set: a kitchen. CRUNCH TIME! Yes, it's coming up crunch time for the parochial school system in a small southern Colorado city. Like a car that's run out of gas ($$$), the system is coasting to a stop and much to the dismay and consternation of the Garth family-with the exception of Pop Garth, who happily sees an end to his having to pay tuition. Mom Garth fears for the future of her six teenaged children. Further beclouding the picture is her two sons' misfortunes on the football field; they've never beaten their most hated rival: a much larger, tax-endowed public high school. Uncle Ant'ny, Mom Garth's bachelor brother, meanwhile carries on a one-man letter-writing campaign to get a Constitutional amendment for tax aid for private schools. Teenage romances also abound in this grab-bag play. Once again, playwright Hoffmann applies his unique brand of humor to the life of southern Colorado. Book $6.00. Royalty - $35-$25.
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MAY I BORROW YOUR BEDPAN, PLEASE?
by Francis Hoffmann
Cast: 3 men and 18 women. Two acts. Set: area staging.
Franklyn Matthew Lofton, recuperating from a broken hip, checks into Snug Harbor Nursing Center, a place over run with women-registered nurses, licensed practical nurses, nursing aides, physical nurses, physical therapists, dietitians, activities directors, janitresses, and a legion of fellow "residents," almost all women. There are two other men at Snug Harbor-a randy, bed-bound hundred-and-one-year-old crank and a Mr. Knack who quickly departs the scene after choking to death on a candy. Lofton, who has all the charm and mischievous hauteur of a Sheridan Whiteside, revenges the indignities imposed on him as a "resident" by exacting a list of conditions under which he will deign to serve as Snug Harbor's reigning St. Valentine's Day King. Playwright Hoffmann has a consistent genius for capturing satirical details. Book $5.00. Royalty -$35-25.
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